Fresh Hair
You can listen to my phone calls
Hide a microphone under my chair
Everything I do is nice and legal,
Except my...
The choice is mine...mine!
So the odds are stacked against me,
And the situation seems unfair.
Everything I do is nice and legal.
That's right, it's all nice and legal.
Everything I do is nice and legal,
Except my hair.
Pencil In My Head
I've had a headache most of my life
The doctors said they couldn't put me under the knife
Pencil in my head!
My mother said, "Where did your pencil go?"
I scratched my head and said, "How would I know?"
Pencil in my head!
WMG
Don't ask, they'd never tell
The Feds have got a secret,
They've done their best to keep it: Gay Bomb!
It's time somebody leaked it:
"Drop the bomb,
The enemy will stop fighting with us and
Start flirting with each other.
Friend kissing friend,
Brother humping brother."
Drop the bomb,
It's a fairy tale.
No substance has been found that can turn Baghdad into Boystown.
You're best off sticking with napalm,
The H, the F, or the A-bomb.
There's no such thing as a Gay Bomb.
No More "More Than Words" No More
Outside, the bluebird's singing serenades the neighborhood
I'd love to sing along but my rendition's not so good
Outside, the children's laughter, full of joy and innocence
Turns to screams of abject horror.
First The Cars, Poison, then Prince!
Outside I grab a brick and hurl it through his windowpane.
I only wanna see him stop eviscerating Purple Rain.
And for a moment, all is peaceful, tranquil and serene,
I decide to go outside when he tries Caribbean Queen!
I grabbed the machine and I hit him!
Boy, was he surprised when I bit him!
"You shall sing no more More Than Words no more!"
Cut and Run
100, Lights are shining, and a beep beep beeping sound.
99, "We're ready, life signs are steady."
98, "Keep counting down."
97, My hands are shaking, as the surgeon chief arrives.
96, I strain to tell the nurse, "The doctor's hands are shaking worse!"
But I'm asleep by 95.
"My god, my god, what have you done?
My baby-making days are done,
How could you drug me, cut, and run?"
The Fireman Can (But He Won't)
Business is a-burning up
Hard-earned cash turned fountains of ash.
I see fire engines turning up
And we'll have it out in a flash.
"Come on, you're a fireman
Please put out the fire for me."
"No," he said, "I'm a hired hand.
You think that this water is free?"
Business was a-burning up
Now it's just a-burnt down instead.
"The ruse you used made choosing to refuse my dues confusing."
I said, "Please help me cause my house is burning.
And I'm quickly learning
That no one's gonna lend a hand
They just stand there with their trucks and hoses
Picking their fucking noses
Cause they don't wanna help defend my land.
"I'm sure that you and all your minions
Have your opinions
Of what the fire brigade should do.
But before this crowd erupts in violence,
Hook the hoses to the hydrants,
And do the fucking job you're paid to do!"
Burning Down the Mouse
Fade in on smoldering rubble
Onlookers look on and we hear them exclaim,
"What on earth could have caused all this trouble?"
Lend me your ears and I will try to explain.
Maybe the gas pipes were rusted,
Some faulty wires or a burning cigar,
Maybe it spontaneously combusted,
But the reality is much more bizarre.
Frustrated, cranky curmudgeon
Burning his leaves and leaving cheese in the traps.
Tiny pest had no intention of budgin'
Until it took the bait and he heard a snap!
He threw the trap on the fire,
Wiping his hands, thinking his problems were gone
Pulling back, we see that out of the pyre,
The burnin' vermin passing him on the lawn.
11 Bullets
I planned the perfect murder
Can I confide in you?
Promise that it stays between us, and I'll reveal my genius
Here's what I'm gonna do:
I'll go to his apartment,
Ask him if he wants a drink...
Then when he goes into the kitchen,
I'll knock him out, I think
The plan was all but perfect,
But I forgot it all.
Blind with rage and deaf with hate,
I struggled to defenestrate
My nemesis retreating down the hall.
The cops arrived to find
The secrets on my hard drive.
Betrayed! Set up!
11 Bullets on a laptop
I Want To Go To Prison
When I add up all the money I want,
And subtract all of the money I've got,
What's the difference?
Believe me, it's a lot.
So I grabbed my gun and went to the store,
Shouted, "Everybody better behave!"
Oh, what a poor decision,
What the drawer was missing
Was all locked up safely in the safe,
In the safe!
"Spill the beans, do you need an invitation?
What's the right combination?"
"The boss is late, you'll have to wait."
So I left behind my work and my cell,
And they promised as I bid them farewell,
That I'd have the loot
When the safe was unlocked.
But the point was moot,
They 9-1-1'ed,
I tried to run,
Now I can barely walk!
900 Miles To Romance
Oh Captain, Captain!
Would you listen to my song?
Question, Captain: How on earth did things go wrong?
I won't leave you any leeway,
I'm not looking for a three-way,
So I'm hopping on the freeway...
All night long!
900 miles!
Oh, Captain, Captain!
Would you give me one more chance?
Kiss me, Captain, and release me from my trance
I've got a hammer,
And a knife,
And a force-field shielding my pants
The cockpit's prepared, soon she'll be ensnared,
Her life in my hands
With 20 seconds to lift-off,
900 miles to romance
Pump Fake
Suspicious shapes,
Gray tubs screech to a halt
A line of impatient passengers growing.
Unpacked and probed
Standing in my socks, I wonder
Why did I think that this was worth stowing?
"Please step aside
You can bring your mom along
(I wager it's gonna be entertaining)."
Caught in a trap
Come clean or cover up?
I took a deep breath and started explaining:
"It's not as it must appear,
Trust me
You're in for a surprise.
What did you think that I would bring?
Something embarrassing?
Well try this on for size."
What would you have done in my place,
With your mother watching on in disgrace?
Well, I'd rather end up in the can than
Have her think I'm half a man.
I've made my case:
"It's a bomb."
Artificial Puppies
Artificial puppies...
I know that face!
Memories of mutes and Mormons,
Border-crossing beauty queens...
I remember!
She said, "Don't make me beg,
Cause my horse needs a leg,
And no's not a word that I'm used to hearing."
Fifty-three for five more!
Memories of mimes,
Memories of mink,
Carnation of the nose,
Careening off the brink
I remember!
Meal of Steel
Awake! Awake!
Roused by the sounds surrounding my bed, my bed
My throat!
My throat hurts a lot worse than the throbbing pain in my head
Can it be the cutlery laid out in front of me is the meal I was fed?
Gather up what you've got around
Fork in on over and I'll astound
I'm the king and I'll wear the crown
If you keep it coming, I'll keep it down
The trick, the trick
Any two-bit magician could do, could do
Now that I've eaten all this metal,
I'd say the bet is settled
Would you?
Justice v. Pants
I stand here before you
The victim of a vicious lie
These cruel, deceitful people
Assured me I'd be satisfied
Well, clearly I'm not.
The sign in the window reads, "Satisfaction Guaranteed."
Green light to wax litigious,
That's all the evidence I need.
I asked for fifty-four million,
You think I don't have a chance?
I'll take the stand and make my demand:
"No justice, no pants!"
A verdict is rendered,
"Judgment for the defendant's side."
And once again I stand here,
Pantless and unsatisfied.
Isn't Love
Why don't cops suddenly appear
Every time one of my checks clear?
Why do kids pound up my door
When you flap your wings and roar?
Just like me they long to linger close to thee.
What I need now isn't love
It's a mansion on a ranch (or four)
A life-sized Al Capone, and more.
What I need now isn't love
It's a grove of talking trees (of course),
A fleet of cars and horses!
That's why all the cops in town
Have been chasing me around
Jealously, they see a chance to rob me blind
Just like me, I'm sure they'll find that
What we need now isn't love
It's a grove of talking trees (of course),
A fleet of cars and horses!
Paint It Pink
I see the prisoners out in the courtyard
The warden's upset with his report card
Everybody in the system
Failed every course except recidivism
We got them locked in the clink,
We're gonna paint it all pink!
I see the patients in the asylum
We can't find the drugs to pacify them
They teeter close to the brink
We're gonna paint it all pink!
It's not as bad as you think
We're gonna paint it all pink!
I see a town depressed and dejected
An answer's already been suggested...